i'll get back to you, i swear
by letsplayscrabble
Summary: [alternate version of 3x01] Based on the song "Hold On" by Chord Overstreet - Linstead oneshot.


_**[Based on the song 'Hold On' by Chord Overstreet and is an alternate version of 3x01]**_

' _Loving and fighting_

 _Accusing, denying_

 _I can't imagine a world with you gone_

 _The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of_

 _I'd be so lost if you left me alone_

 _You locked yourself in the bathroom_

 _Lying on the floor when I break through_

 _I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

 _Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me"'_

He had asked Voight if he should reach out to her. To extend an olive branch, to give her an ounce of light into the dark hole she had dug for herself and to maybe help pull her out of it but he'd simply shaken his head and he had taken his sergeant's word because he'd raised her and knew her and when it came to the drugs and the liquor and the addictions her partner didn't. She hadn't let him see that side of her yet, the broken, dismantled and desperate one. But _damn it_ , he should've tried harder.

He met her outside of some disgusting club later in the day because even though Hank had told him to drop it he should've known that he couldn't but it'd been weeks and his hope was wearing thin when it came to getting her back and even though he managed to slam her with 'tell her she made me a better cop' before turning his back and walking away from her he was still upset and distraught and it took everything in him not to grab her by the hand and force her to come with him and maybe head back to his place to at least shower and sleep off the hangover because she had smelled of sweat and booze and whatever else it was she'd felt the need use to numb her overwhelming sense of guilt. He realized now that tearing off her sunglasses had been a mistake because her eyes were still glazed over and they looked nothing like they did when she was jostling him about sitting in the passenger seat or when she was hot on the heels of a suspect and rattling off a new lead from her desk in the bullpen, but he was at a loss on how to reach her and how to bring her back and so he kept walking and kept going without so much as a second glance. He really shouldn't have.

His phone rang at one twenty-two in the morning when he was far from finding the comfort of sleep because he couldn't stop hearing the gunshots rattling in his eardrums and because he refused to touch a drop of alcohol to deal with it because he'd been watching Erin try to deal with it and she kept slipping and slipping further away and he hated the anger that began to boil in the pit of his stomach when he had a few too many; all thanks to growing up with a poor excuse of a father to whom he had always been nothing more than a disappointment. But when his phone rang and her name flashed across the screen, the gunshots stopped and the world came into a sharp focus and even though her name disappeared as she ended the call before he could even pick up he was out the door and at her place in a mere four minutes because she had called and he couldn't seem to shake the sinking feeling settling in his chest that something was horribly wrong.

He knocked three times and waited for what seemed like an eternity before he grew far too impatient and kicked the door in because that feeling had intensified and even in a drunken stupor she would've wandered over to the door by now and then he was blindly searching the apartment for her because it was eerily quiet and if he didn't find her soon he was going to dial Voight and maybe half of the police force and that wouldn't end up well for anyone.

She was in the bathroom right down the hall from the kitchen with the door firmly locked shut and a bottle of pills littered all over the tiled floor but the latch was no match for his adrenaline and his strong frame and then he had her cold, shivering body in his arms and as he desperately searched for a heartbeat he wondered how in the hell they had gotten to this point because he would've done anything to keep her from this and the demons of the past she'd fought so long and hard to run away from if only she would've let him help her carry them.

' _Long endless highway, you're silent beside me_

 _Driving a nightmare I can't escape from_

 _Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading_

 _Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones_

 _They took you away on a table_

 _I pace back and forth as you lay still_

 _They pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

 _Can you hear me screaming, "please don't leave me"'_

Somewhere in the haze of guilt and fear and hurt he dialed an ambulance and when the paramedics finally wandered into the cramped space he refused to make things easier and let go of her hand as they loaded her onto a backboard because as long as he felt her then he could keep breathing and keep going and he hadn't realized how much he depended on her until this very moment when he didn't even know if she was going to make it out of this alive. He was able to mutter what little he knew in answer to their insistent questions as they poked and prodded at her in the back of the rig, though he had to bite his tongue to keep from screaming because they were just doing their job but she looked awfully breakable and he was afraid if they poked too hard he'd lose her right then and there. In that moment he would've given anything to hear her scratchy voice or her incessant teasing but was only greeted with a terrifying silence which made him wonder why he hadn't tried harder to pull her back.

The waiting room came next because he wasn't allowed anywhere else with her and he had had to admit he wasn't a relative or a spouse and though he got many apologetic looks no one could do much else for him and so he paced back and forth and fought back the tears and somehow he remembered to call Hank who was at his side in what seemed like an instant though he didn't bring much comfort along with him. He continued to pace as his hands clenched into fists at his sides and his jaw tightened in agitation but even his boss couldn't offer up any consolation because he'd been here before way back when she was only fifteen and they'd barely gotten her back then and what if this time was different and he'd lose those dimples and those hazel hues forever and that thought was just too much to stomach.

' _I don't wanna let go_

 _I know I'm not that strong_

 _I just wanna hear you_

 _Saying baby, let's go home_

 _Let's go home_

 _I just wanna take you home'_

Hank went first because Jay was still trying to find the words he wanted to say to her because they'd pumped her stomach and told him as well as the rest of the unit who'd come to keep him company and to be here when they received an update that he'd gotten to her soon enough and if he hadn't she'd be lying cold and dead and gone in the morgue, and all he could manage at that point was a nod of the head in thanks before collapsing into a chair and dragging his fingers over his face in a combination of relief and exhaustion.

"Halstead."

He looked up at the sound of his name and at his boss who was just rounding the corner, who gave him a quick nod of acknowledgement and then Jay didn't really care what he was going to say to her he just cared that she was alive and breathing and _here_. So he bounded down the hall and around the corner and to the left and into her room and there she was; her eyes barely cracked open as she fought to sit upright because she refused to be portrayed as weak even in circumstances as dire as this one. He crossed the room in two steps and without hesitation crawled under the thin sheet right beside her, gently easing her towards his body in the hopes of giving her some of his warmth because she was still freezing and fragile and Erin Lindsay shouldn't be any of those things.

"I'm sorry," he heard her whisper and his heart nearly broke in two because she felt the need to apologize when he was the one who hadn't tried hard enough to get her back in the first place.

"I'm here, I'm here, you're okay," he murmured in reply because all he really wanted to tell her was 'I love you' but she deserved more than a sterile hospital room and few kisses on her forehead when he did so. So he pulled her a bit closer and ran his fingers through her hair until he felt her breathing even out and saw her hazel eyes flickered closed and for the first time in weeks he could relax because everything was as it should be with her right here in his arms.

' _Hold on, I still want you_

 _Come back, I still need you_

 _Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

 _I swear to love you all my life_

 _Hold on, I still need you'_


End file.
